Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Death With Dignity

I have reformulated my understanding of being pro-life.  My newest belief is that being pro-life means respecting the quality of life and a persons own choices.

I am so grateful my mom was able to pass with as little suffering as possible.  Days before she died, before her pain was managed, she looked at me and said, with eyes wide, suffering and yellow, "this isn't what it's going to be like for now on is it?"  I made the determination that I wouldn't allow that. I was her advocate for pain relief until the end.

This is a beautiful video of a young woman who has found out she has a very aggressive brain tumor.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I will miss you Mom

My mom died last week.  It is incredible to believe. My whole world has been turned upside down yet keeps moving forward much the same.  Only now, there is a big empty space where Grammy once was. It sucks. Period.  I wish she was here.

The temporariness of this life has hit me hard and I don't know whether to live it up or go to sleep. I am amazed by all of the people who seem to truly believe in an afterlife.  My poor mother did till the end. Oh, I hope she was right..  How awesome would that be???  Except, it's really probably not real. Of course it would be better to think of her entering heavens gates and singing with the angels.  Except, her heart stopped beating and she's already been cremated.

I got to spend as much time as I possibly could have with her. She loved me so much.  She was a beautiful, tortured soul, striving to please an unseen God, always feeling the wretch in need of forgiveness.  The truth is that she loved.  She was brilliant.  She was beautiful.  She was talented.  She gave to many who did not deserve or appreciate her sacrifice. I was guilty many times.

Mommy....  I love you.. I miss you..  I wish you were here.....

Here's a simple song I wrote... pretty rough quick copy...  but..  it's all I have right now.


Sunday, February 23, 2014

Passing Time

Life really is short. I am waking to this reality in a new way lately. My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I never dreamed we'd be facing the possibility of her dying any time soon. In a moment, all the plans change.  She is the closest person to me other than my husband and children.

It's shocking. It's eye-opening. It makes all the time we worry about stupid things so empty. She has taught me so much.  She gave me a love for art and talent for portraits.  She also gave me faith.  I see much how hers grips her. But, she loves. She gives.

Life is short. We only have this very short time to enjoy, love, learn, embrace, teach, inspire, and be a little part of this universe.

My goal is to spend it well. I hope to share with others what I have learned.  Yet, I have a sense of relief that I can only do so much. There is no eternal pressure, only love for others.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Moving On

I have come to an understanding that when someone comes to the conclusion that religion is a myth, a major transition needs to take place in that person's way of thinking.  As for me, this blog was my attempt to process it.  This blog, Catholicism on the Rocks, was subtitled, "taking a break and thinking it through." Well now, I've thought it through.  But, I see, I am not alone.

I've noticed many others feel the need to just "get it out there" that they don't believe anymore and why and what ramifications this has for them and others in the world.  Why is this? Is it perhaps because such self identity is based in religion? For example, there are answers for everything.  Who am I? God's child.  Why am I here? To know and Love God. What am I to do?  God's will.  Now that we are free from faith, we must redefine who we are and what we believe to ourselves and to others.

But, this doesn't necessarily last forever. At some point we are over it. Now, discussing it becomes optional.  We can move on with life and what we want to make of it without constantly referencing our former lives. So, here I am, moving on!  To life!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

you choose

Which makes more sense....

We are one of many types of animals on this planet that have instincts to survive. One day we will die and the universe will go on without us.


God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him should NOT die but have everlasting life.

Which sounds like good news?  Of course the gospel sounds like good news, if it wasn't complete nonsense. I don't want to die.  I want someone to look after all of my choices and have a plan for me.  I don't want to admit I am one of many vulnerable beings in this huge world.  I want to see all of reality when I die and live in paradise.  But, I just don't think it is reality. In fact, when one steps out of the bubble of faith, it becomes almost immediately very clear that it is all made up.

I wish we as humans could invest in ways of building positive society without nonsense.