Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I will miss you Mom

My mom died last week.  It is incredible to believe. My whole world has been turned upside down yet keeps moving forward much the same.  Only now, there is a big empty space where Grammy once was. It sucks. Period.  I wish she was here.

The temporariness of this life has hit me hard and I don't know whether to live it up or go to sleep. I am amazed by all of the people who seem to truly believe in an afterlife.  My poor mother did till the end. Oh, I hope she was right..  How awesome would that be???  Except, it's really probably not real. Of course it would be better to think of her entering heavens gates and singing with the angels.  Except, her heart stopped beating and she's already been cremated.

I got to spend as much time as I possibly could have with her. She loved me so much.  She was a beautiful, tortured soul, striving to please an unseen God, always feeling the wretch in need of forgiveness.  The truth is that she loved.  She was brilliant.  She was beautiful.  She was talented.  She gave to many who did not deserve or appreciate her sacrifice. I was guilty many times.

Mommy....  I love you.. I miss you..  I wish you were here.....

Here's a simple song I wrote... pretty rough quick copy...  but..  it's all I have right now.


Tuesday, March 18, 2014


It's hard to find the time and resources for all we want in life.  The problem is exacerbated when we have external expectations put on us.

I have six children.  So often people ask how we can afford them all.  It's kind of strange.  Don't get me wrong.  With each child the expenses mount.  But, I see that we can make our dollar stretch much farther than others.  And as for time, I homeschool.  I am able to teach my children in a much shorter time in our day than it would take to prepare and return from school with homework on top of it.  Not to mention, there are so many external pressures from schools these days. We are able to follow our lead and work as we want.

I have come to many realizations these past few years.  Some of them include that not all relationships should be priority and that you can't prioritize what others want from you unless you want those things as well. I have realized that not all relationships are important and that certain ones are.

So many people seem motivated by consumerism and "keepin up with the Jones." They seem to live in a frenzy to get to the next thing, always comparing.  I am sure this is a great survival instinct.  But, at some point we need to keep our instincts in check. Do these things really make us happy?  Do the Jones even have any clue why they are doing what they are doing? With modern media and marketing, it is so easy to get lost in the mob mentality.

I think it is really important to encourage and study what truly makes us happy as a species.  For example, I find real joy from gardening and living as close to nature as possible.  I recently bought chickens and am building a chicken coop.  I really enjoy music and art.  What are the things that will sustain happiness in life and not just give a quick thrill?

Right now I am processing the importance of relationships.  Having grown up in a split home, I bounced back and forth.  Every year I had to go to two easters, christmas' and thanksgivings.  I saw relatives a few times a year. I look back and wish that maybe I could have been spared this. Perhaps it would have been better to focus on a side of the family and grow deep roots.  Instead, I have superficial relationships with both sides. To make matters worse, after I converted and started "living for the lord" it to me on a whirlwind of adventures that left few long term relationships, all of which were based on superstition (religion). I now have the painful task of reevaluating what relationships deserve my time.  I have come to some conclusions, that my children and husband are of most importance.  But, my sanity and health must come even before them.

until next time...

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Passing Time

Life really is short. I am waking to this reality in a new way lately. My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I never dreamed we'd be facing the possibility of her dying any time soon. In a moment, all the plans change.  She is the closest person to me other than my husband and children.

It's shocking. It's eye-opening. It makes all the time we worry about stupid things so empty. She has taught me so much.  She gave me a love for art and talent for portraits.  She also gave me faith.  I see much how hers grips her. But, she loves. She gives.

Life is short. We only have this very short time to enjoy, love, learn, embrace, teach, inspire, and be a little part of this universe.

My goal is to spend it well. I hope to share with others what I have learned.  Yet, I have a sense of relief that I can only do so much. There is no eternal pressure, only love for others.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Moving On

I have come to an understanding that when someone comes to the conclusion that religion is a myth, a major transition needs to take place in that person's way of thinking.  As for me, this blog was my attempt to process it.  This blog, Catholicism on the Rocks, was subtitled, "taking a break and thinking it through." Well now, I've thought it through.  But, I see, I am not alone.

I've noticed many others feel the need to just "get it out there" that they don't believe anymore and why and what ramifications this has for them and others in the world.  Why is this? Is it perhaps because such self identity is based in religion? For example, there are answers for everything.  Who am I? God's child.  Why am I here? To know and Love God. What am I to do?  God's will.  Now that we are free from faith, we must redefine who we are and what we believe to ourselves and to others.

But, this doesn't necessarily last forever. At some point we are over it. Now, discussing it becomes optional.  We can move on with life and what we want to make of it without constantly referencing our former lives. So, here I am, moving on!  To life!

Monday, January 20, 2014

deleting blog soon/ UPDATE

Well, it seems maybe there is a benefit from having the blog up longer than I NEED it to be there. If it can help others to process who are going through the same issues, then that is worth it.  I will try to post topics I find relevant and helpful moving forward. Thanks.

I will soon be taking down this blog for at least a time.  I feel it has helped me through a tough period and now I am coming to the other side.  Thanks all for reading and sharing this journey with me!

Live Life Well!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

you choose

Which makes more sense....

We are one of many types of animals on this planet that have instincts to survive. One day we will die and the universe will go on without us.


God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him should NOT die but have everlasting life.

Which sounds like good news?  Of course the gospel sounds like good news, if it wasn't complete nonsense. I don't want to die.  I want someone to look after all of my choices and have a plan for me.  I don't want to admit I am one of many vulnerable beings in this huge world.  I want to see all of reality when I die and live in paradise.  But, I just don't think it is reality. In fact, when one steps out of the bubble of faith, it becomes almost immediately very clear that it is all made up.

I wish we as humans could invest in ways of building positive society without nonsense.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

My Myth is Better than Your Myth

Merry Mythmus, Festivus, Winter Solstice and New Year.

When people debate religion, in my mind I hear...  "My myth makes more sense because it's older."  "My myth makes more sense because it makes me feel better."  "My myth makes more sense because it is cooler." This is goofy logic.

There are real factors in life for how life is. Why don't we all take time to consider these things? Slow down. Think for a second about REALITY.  Evolution, circumstances, relationships, physical strains.

Stories are fun.   Enjoy the stories.  Have fun.  But let's keep our feet on the ground.

Kindness, generosity, compassion, love.  Think on these things.