Friday, July 29, 2016


Where is hope? I am over politics, marriage, religion, military, consumerism, intoxication, indoctrination. I could go on.

Where do I find hope? Simplicity.  Appreciating today. One day at a time. For me, there is no bigger hope.  No one size fits all answer to life's struggle.

There is no one answer. I've spent my whole life seeking answers and today I find consolation in that there is none.

We find it for ourselves, for each other. I find hope in you, in a child, in life.  Hopefully the super rich and powerful don't screw shit up too much for the rest of us ants.  But, until that happens, we live... Today.

Monday, July 25, 2016

What Happened? Ode to my marriage

 How does a young couple in love go through 11 years and then divorce? Everything looked promising.  Committed, family oriented, religious, how could this happen?

Instead of being angry, resentful and divisive, I choose to focus on the amazing fact that in a chaotic world, two people tried to love and share their lives. That is an accomplishment, not a failure.

We were not just two people. We are different races, different cultures (southeastern white, and west coast Hispanic), different ideologies (I am a hippy love artist type, he is disciplined and military), different personality types (free flowing and determined and structured), raised in different family examples (mine are divorced, his married), our family and friends are on opposite sides of the country. We had a lot going against us.

Throw in 2 deployments, multiples moves and 6 kids and the stress won out.  I was always faithful. I waited, loved, served, compromised.  He provided, was there for every birth, and  tried to understand. Ultimately, we had very different needs and goals.

In marriage, it does take much more than love and appreciation of the other. We are just human. We are limited.

Being involved in the military world changed me forever in ways I could have never have imagined.

Living the Catholic faith and leaving it behind transformed me and I will never be the same.

We did try. We compromised.  There are many wonderful things that we experienced, and many many trials. 

 We were in love.

 That will not change. We don't have to deny that in order to move on.  Ultimately, he wants the military and California. I don't. I have given more than I can get back ever.  We cannot force people to change or be what they are not.

 We love our children. We can continue to love them and work together to be great parents.
 But, I wont be a martyr. My mother died a martyr, living for others her whole life. I don't believe anyone she died for loved or appreciated her devotion or cared. I realize now, she should have loved herself a bit more.

In the past 11 years, my body has gone through 8 pregnancies, 6 births, nursing and exhaustion.  My daughters' special needs depleted my time, thoughts, and energy. My ex-husbands' work left me alone much of the time to figure it out alone.  I went on 4 types of antidepressants over the years.  I got an alcohol problem after my mothers death.  We had finally gotten stable, had the perfect home and then it was all ripped away from me again.  I had home schooled my kids to be at 6th grade level at 8 years old and then watched as I had to put them back in public school and see all my hard work dissipate,  This isn't the end of the world, but my dreams were consistently compromised.

 I have had to let go.  I cannot fight any longer. I will live my life in a way where when I am old and dying I don't wonder what could have happened if I stood up for myself and needs.
I have also been in therapy for 10 years, almost consistently, trying to make this work. 

 My point is, I know what I gave. I know that we tried.  I cannot look at my divorce as a failure. Look at these kids!  They are beautiful.
 We've had ducks, tree houses, dogs.  We've gone camping, to amusement parks, birthday parties, beaches, mountains.  That is an achievement.  We lived in 4 states and traveled across country multiple times.  Do not tell me we failed.  We lived.

We will continue to live.
 Pictures are great, but what you can't see is the struggle. The difficulty. If my ex is honest, he will tell you behind all of these smiles, there was real difficulty.

So.....  now....  we figure out a new chapter of cooperation, I hope. 

Since our divorce was finalized we have gone to dinner, taken our kids hiking and to the aquarium.  Why do we have to be angry with each other? Why should we fight? We should be grateful that another person chose to share their lives, energy, offspring and money, home etc. with us.

I am saying....  here's to trying.... giving and love....
Here's to new beginnings and acceptance. 
Here's to marriage and divorce and friendship that remains!