Where is hope? I am over politics, marriage, religion, military, consumerism, intoxication, indoctrination. I could go on.
Where do I find hope? Simplicity. Appreciating today. One day at a time. For me, there is no bigger hope. No one size fits all answer to life's struggle.
There is no one answer. I've spent my whole life seeking answers and today I find consolation in that there is none.
We find it for ourselves, for each other. I find hope in you, in a child, in life. Hopefully the super rich and powerful don't screw shit up too much for the rest of us ants. But, until that happens, we live... Today.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Instead of being angry, resentful and divisive, I choose to focus on the amazing fact that in a chaotic world, two people tried to love and share their lives. That is an accomplishment, not a failure.
We were not just two people. We are different races, different cultures (southeastern white, and west coast Hispanic), different ideologies (I am a hippy love artist type, he is disciplined and military), different personality types (free flowing and determined and structured), raised in different family examples (mine are divorced, his married), our family and friends are on opposite sides of the country. We had a lot going against us.
Throw in 2 deployments, multiples moves and 6 kids and the stress won out. I was always faithful. I waited, loved, served, compromised. He provided, was there for every birth, and tried to understand. Ultimately, we had very different needs and goals.
In marriage, it does take much more than love and appreciation of the other. We are just human. We are limited.
Being involved in the military world changed me forever in ways I could have never have imagined.
Living the Catholic faith and leaving it behind transformed me and I will never be the same.
We did try. We compromised. There are many wonderful things that we experienced, and many many trials.
In the past 11 years, my body has gone through 8 pregnancies, 6 births, nursing and exhaustion. My daughters' special needs depleted my time, thoughts, and energy. My ex-husbands' work left me alone much of the time to figure it out alone. I went on 4 types of antidepressants over the years. I got an alcohol problem after my mothers death. We had finally gotten stable, had the perfect home and then it was all ripped away from me again. I had home schooled my kids to be at 6th grade level at 8 years old and then watched as I had to put them back in public school and see all my hard work dissipate, This isn't the end of the world, but my dreams were consistently compromised.
I have had to let go. I cannot fight any longer. I will live my life in a way where when I am old and dying I don't wonder what could have happened if I stood up for myself and needs.
We will continue to live.
Since our divorce was finalized we have gone to dinner, taken our kids hiking and to the aquarium. Why do we have to be angry with each other? Why should we fight? We should be grateful that another person chose to share their lives, energy, offspring and money, home etc. with us.
I am saying.... here's to trying.... giving and love....
Here's to new beginnings and acceptance.
Here's to marriage and divorce and friendship that remains!
Posted by ajl at 1:23 PM